GorillaOffTopic, Everything But Gorilla Trades

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said “though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” While that may be true in theory, in reality, America thrives on beauty and vanity; appearance, after all, is power.

Everyone seems to be beauty-obsessed in this country. Unfortunately, this ain’t your Grandmother’s America! This is 2008, and everywhere we look there is a vanity fair going on. From the size zero model on the cover of every magazine to the stealth muscular Adonis, with the six-pack abs, on the nightly infomercials we see on TV. There are at least 10 reality shows currently airing on TV at present, which showcase, fashion, models, beauty makeovers, style makeovers, and body makeovers.

From ‘America’s Next Top Model’, to ‘Biggest Loser’, the competition is fierce and everyone wants to be better, thinner, and hotter than everyone else. The muscles have gotten bigger and so have the breasts! If you look at action figures such as G.I. Joe, you will see that the G.I. Joes have progressively become more muscular over the decades. The original G.I. Joe of 1964 certainly doesn’t possess the abs he has now. He is notably more muscular now than he was back in the day. Could it be that even G.I. Joe has succumbed to the pressures of our extremely vain society?

Now don’t get the Gorilla wrong here folks; he is all for fitness, health, and wellness as a means to look and feel your best- but at what point does one get to be his/her best? When is good- good enough? With all of the pressure that society places on us to be “fabulous” at all times, how can anyone learn about the all-important self love that is so necessary for us to truly be satisfied in life? Are we placing too much stock in what’s on the outside and too little on what’s on the inside?

As parents, we (hopefully) teach our children that you mustn’t judge others based on their appearance, and yet, we ourselves, are in a fight against time, doing everything in the book to prevent aging; from those anti-aging formulas, to our daily workouts, to Botox and face lifts.  Are we really taking our own advice? Could this obsession with beauty be affecting our judgment?

Don’t say it hasn’t. You know full well that there are those of you that cringe when you see the bum on the street corner, peddling for your spare change. Do you take one look at his appearance and unconsciously think of him as a “slob?” The problem is, if we are all so bent out of shape about his burly exterior, how can we ever have the heart to see beyond, into the pain of a man, who may have endured inexplicable suffering and pain?

If we are all so focused on appearances, how can we ever focus on the matters of the heart? And yet, still, the simple fact is that outer beauty is often what attracts us to one another and that will always be human nature. There is really nothing wrong with that, but let’s not lose sight of what’s most important. Our eyes are only capable of seeing certain truths, but it is with our “third eye”- the one that sees the hidden meaning of life- that really matters. Remember, Mother Theresa was one of the most beautiful people ever to have graced this planet and yet on the exterior she was a simple, unattractive woman. Imagine if some shallow, beauty-obsessed person had refused to take her seriously all of those years ago. Perish the thought!

Currently, there are over 55,000 registered sex offenders living in the U.S. That is a scary fact. Lucky for us, there are websites which can tell you where they are located in your community so that you may be aware and protect your kids. But with Halloween upon us, there are some states who take extra precautions for your benefit, and the Gorilla thinks it is a great idea! 

Just yesterday, the Gorilla spoke about kids and too much Halloween candy, but here’s a very real scary story that you may want to pay attention to. Sex offenders in Maryland must now post a paper sign outside of their residences, which has a picture of a pumpkin and the words “No candy at this residence.” They must now post it on their front doors or else they will face parole violation.

These signs began arriving in the mailboxes of the about 1200 violent and child-sex offenders across Maryland. With each sign came a letter explaining to the offenders that they must stay at home, turn off their lights, and not answer their doors on Halloween. The state is also sending out flyers to residents making them aware to watch for the signs. 

“Halloween provides a rare opportunity for you to demonstrate to your neighbors that you are making a sincere effort to change the direction of your life,” the letter to sex offenders reads. Maryland started the program in 2005, and it mimicked a similar practice that originally started in Missouri. Many states have now adopted the program and have had great success thus far.

With Halloween arriving shortly, this ought to be a concern for parents these days, but let’s not get crazy folks. We don’t want to ruin our kids’ fun with our worries. Knowledge is power, so simply talk to your kids and let them be informed if they are going “Trick or Treating” without you this year. For more information on where to locate the registered sex offenders in your town (and trust me folks, sadly, they are in almost every town) go to the National Sex Offender Registry at www.familywatchdog.us/ or at www.mapsexoffenders.com, and for goodness sake, be safe! (Just remember to let your kids have fun too!)

We all remember Halloween as being one of the great highlights of childhood. The Gorilla remembers dressing up one year as King Kong and gallivanting around the neighborhood, gleefully looking for the very best treats. Some homes had great treats like candy bars, licorice, and toffees. But other houses–not so much.

However, there was always that one house that was unusually dark and creepy and looked as if no one was home. It looked like the ‘Nightmare on Elm Street‘ house. It looked like the real deal. We were always so scared of that house and it took us forever to get up the courage to knock on that old door. But to our surprise, there was always someone home. It was the old, hippy lady and her great treat was always the same boring box of “healthy” raisins. RAISINS? Imagine our chagrin at receiving raisins, after we had just braved the torrid and scary path up to that horrible old house. The nerve of that old hippy to put not one, not two, but three boxes of Sunmaids in our bags! Was she trying to make us mad? Of course that is what we all thought at age 10 or 11, but now that we are adults, we understand this old hippie’s reasoning.

Currently, about 30% of children ages 2 to 19 are overweight or obese, so everyone’s jumping on the “Halloween candy reform” band wagon, trying and eliminate some of the extra calories that one night packs on our kids. Some people suggest giving toys and stickers in the treat bags when kids come around for a treat. Well, that’s a trick, in and of itself, to some kids. They go for a treat, but they get a trick? C’mon guys, kids want what they came for, and what they came for is candy!

 Nothing can replace good old fashioned sweets, and hey, the Gorilla believes nothing should have to. But before you judge this hairy primate, listen up! There are many ways you can “trick” your kids into not overindulging in their treats after they have completed there Trick or Treating for the night. Here’s some simple suggestions: * Let your kids feast on some hard-earned candy until they have had a taste or two to satisfy their cravings. Once they settle down a bit and go to bed, move the treats to a place where it’s out of sight out of mind. Chances are their interest will die off quickly and they won’t want it anymore.Since this doesn’t always work with all kids, here’s another great suggestion.* Many parents are buying back the candy from their kids as a way to get them to not eat it. (Clever!) Kids usually only need a bite or two and they are over the hype anyway!

* Some parents offer a “switch witch” option, in which the more candy kids leave in their treat bags or bowls, the bigger the prize or toy they get in exchange for turning in their candy.

If you plan on writing a book about the mob, which chronicles all of its activities and dirty little secrets, than it might be a wise idea to go into hiding shortly after said book is published.  And that is just what author Roberto Saviano, 29 did. Ever since the release of his best selling book “Gomorra,” the Naples mafia has been threatening to kill him by Christmas. Hmmm. Imagine that; you write a book about the most violent organization in Italy, exposing many of its illegal activities and members, and they want you dead? You don’t say! But yes, it’s true.

The book, based on the “Camorra,” which is the name of the mob in Saviano’s hometown, has been so successful that it has been made into a hit movie about mafia brutality. Saviano has been in hiding for almost 2 years, ever since the Camorra found out about the success of his book and decided that he needed to be punished. The author has needed 24 hour police protection and bodyguards to protect him at all times. The book has sold 1.2 million in Italy and has been translated into 42 languages. Now that it has hit the big screen, it is up for an Oscar and that has mob bosses enraged.

After a tip from a mob insider, it has been determined that there is now a “hit” on Saviano. But Saviano says it is the readers of his book that are frightened of the Italian Mafia, and it is they who created the demand and the popularity of the book. The book explains the extreme brutality that goes on in the mob and how the “Camorra” has it’s” fingers in every pie” in Naples, including drug trafficking and even waste disposal. 

“It’s the readers who have frightened the crime bosses, not me,” said Saviano.  Well now that’s not very nice! Throw the people who bought your book right under the bus why don’t you? No, it is YOU, the author of a best selling expose tell-all that ticked off those guys, Mr. Saviano!  Listen, if the Gorilla knows one thing, it’s that you don’t mess with the mob! And you certainly don’t write a book about it if you do! No offense, but this isn’t the brightest guy around. But regardless, hopefully the guy will make it through this alive even if it his outlook is grim!

In the future, we imagine many different things. Things like spaceships, flying cars, and cities on Mars. But one cool thing is not just a thing of the far-off future, it is happening as we speak. It is a system of transportation called, podcars- or PRT’s for personal rapid transit- and it is a concept that the Gorilla thinks is really cool.

Jacob Roberts is president of Connect Ithaca; a group of planning and building professionals, activists, and students committed to making this upstate New York college town the first podcar community in the United States. He says that “it’s time to design cities for humans, not automobiles.” (The Gorilla is sure he didn’t mean to leave out the primates!) But the podcar is not only a really cool concept, but it uses clean energy as well.

“So what exactly is a podcar?” you might ask. Quite simply it is electric, automated, lightweight vehicles that ride on their own network, separate from other cars. Unlike mass transit, podcars carry two to 10 passengers, giving travelers the freedom and privacy of their own car. And podcars reduce traffic, reduce the use of fossil fuels, and reduce congestion from parking lots.

The plan is to put stations every block or every half mile, depending on the need. A rider enters a destination on a computerized pad and a car takes the person nonstop to the location. Stations would have slanted pull-in bays so that some cars could stop for passengers, while others could continue unimpeded on the main course.

The podcar system is not exactly a new concept, as there exists a smaller version in Morgantown, West Virginia, which was built in 1975 and is still used to transport students. There are currently many cities throughout the world that are planning their own podcar systems and it is expected to take hold on a worldwide level. But for now, Ithaca, will take the lead in the U.S., catering to its almost 80,000 residents it has during peak season.

“We are introducing an alternative to the automobile for the first time in 100 years,” said Christopher Perkins, chief executive officer of Unimodal Transport Solutions, a California company that builds podcars, which operate on magnetic levitation instead of wheels. Very cool indeed, and in the Gorilla’s humble opinion…it’s about time!

When thinking of who we want to be our president and lead this great country, does age matter? After all, the position of President of the United States of America requires stamina, astuteness, a keen memory, and sharp reflexes; all of which coincide with excellent health. 

Consider this; retirement age for most careers is 65. CEO’s of many large corporations, such as Boeing and Exxon, are required to step down at age 65. Airline pilots must retire at age 65, which was a limit set by Congress. And what about military professionals? They are required to retire at age 65 as well, even though their commander- in-chief does not.

Presidents have never had to adhere to these laws, and although wisdom comes with age, so does a plethora of health issues in some cases. So, is John McCain fit (pun intended) to lead the nation? Ronald Reagan was our oldest president thus far. But he was 77 at the end of his second term. John McCain is already 72 at present. If he were to complete a 2nd term as president (that’s if he even wins in the first place!) that would put him at age 80, eight years from now. 

Is that simply too old to lead? That is certainly questionable and is indeed very dependent upon whether or not the person is in generally in good health to start with. So what about McCain? Since 1993, McCain has had four skin cancers removed, including a melanoma. But according to McCain, he has “good genes” and a mother who is a healthy 96 years old to prove it. But McCain was recently ordered to release all of his medical records to be made public to everyone-not just journalists.

McCain says “people will judge by the vigor and enthusiasm with which we have run our campaign.” And McCain’s physician Dr. John Eckstein gave McCain a “thumbs up,” saying that he could find “no medical reason that would preclude McCain from being president.” But of course there are those who have their doubts. Many people including (of course) the Democratic party, say that Barack Obama is in excellent health and that it would make a huge difference in the candidate’s ability to lead the nation. But others agree that McCain’s age actually lends itself to a much more experienced candidate, as compared to Obama.

Well, the Gorilla thinks it’s probably the lesser of two evils in this case. It’s age versus experience.  But just keep this in mind when considering older leaders: Nelson Mandela was 80; Golda Mier was Prime Minister of Israel until she was 76, and French President Charles de Gaulle was 78. Not too shabby!

The world is in absolute chaos right now. The last thing this country needs is more violence, so why would anyone want to endorse more violence? And if that “anyone” happened to be YouTube, the world should have something to say about it.
 
YouTube, the world’s largest video sharing Web site, removed over 2 dozen violent-enriched clips from its site following a Times investigation into harmful and inappropriate material on YouTube. The Web site took down 30 film clips, which featured gangs and gang-related activity, and showed hooded youths brandishing a variety of weapons including machetes, hand guns, and even sub-machine guns.
 
Apparently Google is admitting that they were in breach of its own user guidelines, which had recently been revised to deal with gang videos. (Nice going Goog!) The Gorilla could understand if there were only one or two gang-related videos, but 30? Have the guys at Google been sleeping on the job? C’mon guys, get a clue!
 
TV journalist Peter Barron is Google’s head of communications in Britain, and he says that as a result of concerns about use of the Website by gangs, it has now introduced new guidelines prohibiting users from showing weapons in their videos in a way that appears to “threatening” to its viewers. (Don’t worry NRA members, this does not apply to you!) Currently, there are over 800,000 gang members in the U.S. alone and that number is growing rapidly. It’s a good thing that YouTube finally got a clue, but not before the gangs got past the approval department for such a long time first!

From the desk of the “extremely bizarre,” here’s a little light diversion from the misery of this horrible market! It seems that a woman claiming to be Elvis’s half-sister is also insisting that the “King” is indeed still alive. Shut up! Now, we all know that many, many, people have made this same preposterous claim throughout the years, but really lady, why should we believe you?

The Gorilla couldn’t help but chuckle when he read this ridiculous story. But still, read it he did- from start to finish- and of course he does not believe that Elvis is still alive- that would be just ridiculous! But hey, just in case there is some really solid evidence to prove otherwise, the Gorilla would not want to be left out of the loop. It is the “King” we’re talking about here!

The woman, whose real name is Alice Elizabeth Tiffin, recently changed her name to Eliza A. Presley and claims that Vernon Presley is her father. She also says that she has DNA evidence to prove the claim that Elvis- her alleged half brother- is still alive. She even provided an envelope that she claims was licked by “Jessie Presley” an assumed name now used by Elvis Presley. The envelope proves that the “King did not die in 1977″ according to the web site. Ms. “Presley” even successfully convinced a Memphis probate judge to reopen the estate of the late Vernon Presley, the King’s father. Eliza even claims to have additional DNA evidence to prove she is Elvis Presley’s half-sister.

Unfortunately for poor deranged Eliza, one day before the judge was to make his decision, Eliza’s mother came forward to say that she did not have an affair with Elvis’s father, Vernon Presley. Uh oh, busted! Oh, well. It’s not really all that shocking that yet another person claiming to “have proof” that the King is alive, was again disproved. After all, it’s not as if the Gorilla really believes that it could be possible that Elvis Presley, the awesome King of Rock-N-Roll and one of the coolest dudes ever to have lived, was really alive. But it sure would be fun to think about the possibility wouldn’t it?

Okay, so we are all sick to death of the Presidential election and all of the nastiness currently involved with it. The closer we get to the election- as past history would dictate- the more mud-slinging we will see. McCain’s style is to make outright accusations about what Obama’s camp isn’t doing and about how McCain doesn’t support certain policies and legislation. Obama’s mud-slinging is a little more personal, delving into McCain’s past, attacking and questioning his morality. And of course making similar accusations about what he does and does not advocate.

It really doesn’t matter who you are voting for, we all agree that it gets really old, really fast, and quite frankly, most American’s cannot wait until this election is over once and for all. Unfortunately, when the candidates start getting down and dirty, as they often do and currently are, many people ask themselves the question: do I have to vote for either one of these clowns?

The Gorilla doesn’t know about you guys, but he is absolutely sick and tired of the whole darn thing! The only good thing about this election, in the Gorilla’s humble opinion, has been the hilarious comedy we have been seeing on TV, compliments of people like Tina Fey and Darrell Hammond of Saturday Night Live, Jimmy Kimmell, and David Letterman. Thank God for comedy! 

So in the midst of the heated debates and the fight for the presidency, remember one thing… in less than a month it’s over, so keep your sense of humor and make sure to tune in to late night programming for a good bit of some much needed comic relief!

These days, automakers need to be creative. They need to offer something new, something exciting, or something innovative. Ford Motor has done exactly that and it certainly delivers in the “most clever new innovation” department. Many of us have teenagers who are new drivers. A scary prospect, we know.
 
Ford understands this as well and that is why it created clever new technology to accommodate parents like us. Starting next year, the new feature will give parents the power to limit how fast their kids drive. So how does it work? Well, using a computer chip in the key, teen drivers can be limited to speeds of 80 mph or less. The feature called” MyKey” will also give parents the option to limit audio volume, and even sound a continuous beep if the occupant is not buckled up.
 
The MyKey feature will be standard on an unspecified number of 2010 Ford vehicles available next year. “Our message to parents is, hey, we are providing you some conditions to give your new drivers that may allow you to feel a little more comfortable in giving them the car more often,” said Jim Buczkowski, Ford’s director of electronic and electrical systems engineering. The Gorilla absolutely loves this new technology for cars. Imagine not having to yell at your kids to turn down the radio or to drive slower. No more warning them to wear their seatbelts.
 
The MyKey feature will act like the parent on your behalf. Finally, a safety feature that parents can really wrap their minds around! So what do parents and teens think about the cool new feature? Well, Ford said its market research shows 75% of parents like the speed and audio limits, but as you might expect, 67% of teens don’t like them. (Big surprise there!)